Keep Your Rival Very, Very Close
by missherlocked
Summary: Sasuke wonders if him, Naruto, and Sai have had threesome. Chaos ensues. It's not Sasuke's fault-he recalls nothing. And Naruto looking like a Sex God doesn't help, too. Thus a bet: if he remembers and doesn't regret, Naruto's ass is his. Sasunaru.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I do, there would be a lot of mansex. **

**Warning: Slash. Lame attempt to do humor. Lots of dialogs. Strange style of writing. Unbeta-ed. Help me with that?**

q**q**q

When he woke up, it was too bright that he closed his eyes again afterwards, but he caught a glimpse of blue sky.

"Am I in heaven?"

"You're in hospital, idiot."

It was a masculine voice that dripped honey.

"But I saw the blue sky when I opened my eyes,"

"I think you're hallucinating." Worried tone. "It's past eight P.M. now. Stay awake—I will call Sakura-chan."

"Wait-" a hand flailed blindly. He grasped nothing. A peek—golden hair. Beautiful. _Too bright_. "I think I just saw an angel."

"There's no angel here, bastard," Frown. An angel that swore. _Very sexy_. "I think you mess your head bad this time. I'm calling Sakura."

"Wait-no-"

The dark chose to engulf him.

**q**q**q**

The heaven was dimmer this time. There was a girl with pink hair. Where was his angel? Still too bright.

"You have a very odd hair,"

"Sasuke, you're awake!" Relieved, happy tone.

"Is that my name?"

Silence. "Sasuke, do you remember anything? What's the last thing you remember?"

"Bright light."

Another silence. The heaven was very boring. He was getting impatient.

"Where is the angel?"

"What angel?"

"He kept babbling about angel and shit when he woke up yesterday." Ah, the melody. The voice. He wanted to see what kind of mouth an angel that swore had. He opened his eyes.

The mouth looked very tasty. His angel looked very tasty. His golden hair still lighted up the room.

"Why is it so bright?"

"The last mission—there was a light bomb. The effect is amplified since you were in Sharingan mode." Feminine voice.

He fell asleep.

q**q**q

"Angel,"

"I told you, bastard, I am no angel. What the heck is wrong with you?"

"But you're very pretty."

Gapes. Blushes. Yes, very _very_ pretty.

"You—you-"

"What's your name, Angel?"

"Naruto. Can you stop with this angel thing? It's- it's embarrassing."

Well. An angel named Naruto. Wasn't that creative?

"The heaven looks awfully like a hospital."

"This is a hospital, you dumbass,"

"But you're an angel!"

"I AM NOT."

"Then you're my invisible guardian angel."

Sigh. "I don't know there will come a time when I miss the cold-hearted bastard."

"...then you must be my wife."

"FUCK NO!" The horrified, angry face was really cute. "Where the hell you got that thought, moron?"

He noticed the lack of rings on their ring fingers. That was disappointing.

"So we are an item, then?"

His boyfriend (?) ran his long fingers on the blond hair. It looked soft.

"Sasuke." Sigh. "How do you get that conclusion?"

"I have the feeling that I always get what I want. And I want you."

Naruto was standing too far. Face red.

"We... we're only friends, Sasuke." Hesitant.

It was the first time Naruto called his name, assuming Sasuke was indeed his name. It rolled like a wave that caressed his skin. Sasuke would like to hear his name _screamed_ and _panted_ and _moaned_ in the heat of passion too. Along with faster_faster__**faster**_ harder_harder__**harder**_-

"Friends with benefits?" Hopeful tone. Longing.

"The answer is no, bastard. I'm leaving. If this is a prank, congratulations, you win."

Naruto left. Hn. Boring. Sasuke slept.

**q**q**q**

A silver-haired man with a mask and orange book was with him this time.

"Hello, Sasuke," Eyes curved. Sasuke presumed that he was smiling.

"Hello, Masked-man. Do you happen to know where the Sex God is?"

The man was interested. Sasuke glared—the Sex on Leg was his.

"Who?"

"Blond hair, blue eyes. Called Naruto, or so I heard."

Muffled laugh. Wiggled eyebrows. "I will call him right away!"

Poof. He was gone. Faintly Sasuke remembered he could do it too. Tried to move but it hurt a lot.

Poof. Masked-man appeared, this time with corpse-pale boy and the Walking Sex behind him.

"Sex God is here!" Masked man said. Too cheery.

Pale boy opened his ugly mouth. "Hello, Sasuke. I'm Sai." So fake.

Sasuke ignored him. "Naruto." Best come-hither look. Index finger motioned.

The Sex God shivered violently.

"No," muffled. The perfect face pressed to the back of Sai's shoulder. Murderous intent to the pale boy. Those full lips could only move against his skin.

"You're acting like a virgin, Naruto. Have I not screwed you senseless enough before this?"

Defined jaw dropped. Sai still smiled. Creepy. Naruto blushed harder.

"There's no '_before_', you bastard!" Growl.

The growl was very erotic.

"I don't believe you. I don't remember anything—you can be lying."

"I can assure you that Naruto didn't lie," Sai spoke.

"You're lying too. People lie."

"Naruto has a very small penis. Girls and boys alike are not interested in small penis."

Scowl. "How do you know that?"

"I've seen."

"In what circumstances?"

"Oh, in _a lot of circumstances_."

Sasuke tried hard to recall the seal to kill people instantly. No such luck. There was something about chi... Chipari? Chiruri? Chirp chirp chirp?

"What the fuck, Sai!" A hit. "Ignore him, Sasuke. I don't have a small penis. If anything, it's bigger than his." Hit hit hit.

So they had seen each other's penis. Unacceptable. But Naruto was too tempting. Make sense that people wanted to see his bits. Sasuke wondered if Naruto's cock was named Alejandro.

"Come closer, Ale-" cough. "I mean, Naruto. Let me check it myself."

"Keep your hands to yourself, you sick fuck!"

"I could check it for you," Sai said (un)helpfully.

Glower.

"Have we ever had a threesome? Or two?"

Naruto paled. Sai grinned. Masked-man looked really amused.

"NOOO!"

"Sadly, no."

A little bit disappointing, but Sasuke already had the inkling that he was possessive. Especially about Alejandro.

Or Sebastian. That name was sexy for Naruto's dick, too. Now he wondered what his was.

"Sasuke, you hate me, remember? You hate me. You hate everyone, but you—you especially loathe me."

"Simple. I was lying."

"YOU-" Outraged scream. "Uh. I need ramen. Now."

"You need sex," A bad-timed offer, but it was necessary. The scream provoked certain part of Sasuke.

Big blue eyes, pupil dilated. Oooh, hormones stirred again. _Rawr_.

"I'm telling Old Hag about this."

Poof. The Pure Sin was gone. Masked-man still looked amused. A lour to Sai. If they were not having threesome, then the pale boy better ceased to exist.

Poof. Sai was gone. Masked-man followed. Snore.

**q**q**q**

Fifth day. Pink-haired girl with a blondie chatted.

"SASUKEEE! You finally wake up!"

Glomp. Couldn't breathe. This was why Sasuke detested boobs.

"Let go of him, you Ino-pig!"

"Come on Sakura," a disgusting wink. "Let's take advantage of him." A whisper, but Sasuke still could hear.

Punch. Sasuke could breathe now.

"How are you feeling today, Sasuke-kun?"

"I need to see Alejandro."

"Who's Alejandro?"

"Err. No. I mean, Naruto."

Weird look.

"He's training. Now, do you remember anything?"

"I remember kissing Naruto."

"Ahem. Yeah. It was several years ago."

"Wow. So we started back then?"

"What do you mean?"

"Our relationship."

"Oh, _that_." See, Naruto lied. They did have a healthy relationship. Hn. Curious. What made the Sex God lie? Did Sasuke pound him to the mattress too hard?

Exchanged glances between the girls. "We're not in the place to say. However, I can ensure you that you guys drive each other mad."

Aah. The feeling was mutual, then.

"Yeah. I still remember when you got him to the wall."

Both girls shuddered.

"Was it _that_ heated?"

Snort. "That was an understatement. We can't even separate you guys. You needed to vent your anger, Naruto needed to release his frustration."

Wow. So they both had a little bit of exhibitionism. And angry sex sounded yummy.

Naruto's timidity was reasonable, then. Sasuke pounded him to the wall too hard.

"Can I have a mirror?"

"Sure." Surprised.

A mirror came. Sasuke stared. He was very handsome. Sasuke opened his hospital gown. Muscular chest and abs.

"No one told me that I'm a Sex God, too," Sasuke said accusingly. Received blinks. Held the urge to chunk the mirror to their faces. Stupid girls. They didn't understand that Sex Gods belong to each other.

There was another thing Sasuke must check. Sasuke reached to his pants. Blondie squealed. Pinkie hit her and stopped him. Anxious face.

"What else do you remember?"

"I'm a ninja."

Big fat duh. Facepalms.

"This is bad. You're supposed to remember everything by now. What do you think, Ino?"

A seal. Sasuke had a bad feeling. "I'm going to go to Sasuke's mind."

Sasuke fell unconscious.

**q**q**q**

"I believe only Naruto will trigger his memories, Hokage-sama," Familiar annoying voice.

"Why is that?" Unknown voice. Hokage's?

"His mind... it's full of Naruto."

"...Full of Naruto?"

"Naked, especially. There's one of him tied. Blindfolded. Gagge-"

"Whoa whoa _whoa_. Stop there. Are you implying that Sasuke is _gay_?" Another unknown voice. It smelled like wet dog.

"For Naruto, yes."

"Huh. I already have a suspicion about that. I never think he will act on it, though, with his dream to revive his clan."

"Well, I could totally see he fucks some girl, takes the baby, and leaves her alone."

Ouch. Harsh.

"Language, Kiba."

"Sorry, Hokage-sama." Mumble.

"What now?"

"Sasuke is an important member of Anbu. He is useful. No memory means no skill, so we should make him remember by all means."

"Should I call Naruto, then?"

"Bring him here as soon as possible, regardless whatever situation he is in."

Poof.

Poof.

"What the fuck!"

"Naruto, put on some clothes."

"I was dragged when I was in shower!"

Sasuke opened his eyes. No naked Naruto, but wet, shirtless Naruto was okay, too.

"Sasuke, you're drooling."

Wipe drool. "Hm-hm."

"I wasn't aware you were awake. How much of the conversation did you hear?"

Ignore.

"Sasuke, you're _still_ drooling."

Wipe. Ignore.

"If you keep ignoring me, Naruto will put on some clothes."

"NO! Fine. I listened since the mind-rapist said Naruto could trigger my memories."

A drop of water flew down from Naruto's chin, to his Adam's Apple, to his nipple—shit_shit__**shit**_ _blood rush upwards please_—to his ribs (_too thin, too lean_), to the rippled muscles on his stomach—_throat suddenly dry, room was too hot—_to the thin line of blond hair under his belly button.

Sasuke clenched his thigh. Now that felt good.

"Holy crap. Are you hard, Sasuke?"

Scorn to dog-face. "I will be if Naruto's nude."

"I can smell your arousal, Sasuke. Ew."

Naruto made an attempt to escape. Attempt #1 failed.

"Naruto, go talk to him. You're the only one who can do this."

"Wait, WHAT? NO! I want to keep my ass intact!"

Sasuke was confused. "What are you talking about, Naruto. I thought I already pound you to the wall hard. Thus, your ass should have been violated already."

Gasps.

"I'm sorry if you limped for weeks afterwards. I'm sure I can't help it, you know,"

"Someone please translate what he said to proper Japanese!" Cries. Trembles. Naruto turned around and flaunted his Sexy BackTM.

Longing stare to Naruto's ass. The water made his boxer skin tight. Good.

"Why are you opening and closing your palm like that, Sasuke?"

"I'm imagining the feel of Naruto's nice ass in my hand."

Cue puking from Dog Breath. Understanding gazes from the females.

Mind-rapist opened her mouth. Pity looks from her. "Sasuke... You misunderstood. By pounding him to the wall, I mean fighting."

An eyebrow rose.

"You guys... By relationship, I mean rivalry. There has never been something between you guys except rival turns… em, best friends."

World shattered. Refusal to believe. What was his old self thinking, passing that sexy_erotic__**aphrodisiacal**_ body like that? Impossible. His hormones proved so.

"Liar."

"Sasuke-"

"I don't believe her."

"Sasuke, you will regret all of this when you remember. Don't embarrass yourself more than this." Woman with big tits said.

"Make me remember, then. I will prove you all that I won't regret it."

Staring contest. Sasuke won.

"Fine. Ino, do your job."

"Roger, Hokage-sama. Naruto, hold Sasuke. We're both going to enter Sasuke's mind and evoke his memories."

The water drops dried up. Damn. Sex God seemed frightened.

"Hold where?"

Down there! Purr.

Tentative steps. Naruto touched his arm. _Down there, you idiot_. Sasuke's heart beat five hundred times faster.

"Sasuke, you're drooling _again_."

"Well, his body is even better up close!" Snap.

Mind-rapist and Big Boobs nodded in understanding. Sex God shivered.

"Ready, Sasuke?"

"No, wait."

"What now?"

"Naruto, do you want me to remember? Do you like this me better or the old me?"

Sky blue. So up there, so untouchable, so beautiful.

"I... I want the old you back, bastard. Whatever this shit you're pulling right now—I don't like it. It's not you. Your feeling is... false, moron. Your hormones mess you up. And you are now only playing with my feelings."

Tightened grip on his arm. Sasuke put his palm flat on Naruto's nape and pulled him closer.

The kiss was wonderful. The lips were even softer and tastier and-

Pant. Breathing hard. Naruto's skin flushed. Blue eyes hazy.

"What was that for, bastard!"

Escape attempt #2. Attempt failed.

"Just in case that you're telling the truth. If I don't regret everything when I remember, your ass is mine."

Gape.

"I'm ready."

Seals. The world was black.

q**q**q

When Sasuke woke up three days later, he fucked Naruto senseless.

**The end.**

**A/N: Feeling extremely like a pervert when writing this. I had fun, though. First attempt of writing story in Naruto fandom-I'm just testing the water! Sort of dissatisfied by the ending, though. Suggest something. If the response is good I will probably write more ****perverted**** things! Talk to me in twitter, guys, at fithablink. Let me know what you think! ;) **

**© Fitha.**


End file.
